Those Missing Moments
by AlexisRose84
Summary: Summary: A series of short vignettes taking place in season 4. Missing scenes in the attack storyline.
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary: A series of short vignettes taking place in season 4. Missing scenes in the attack storyline. **_

**Dirty **

"You should probably clean this up," he said to her nonchalantly, acting as though he hadn't just destroyed her life. And with that, he left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Anna's body curled itself into a protective ball on the floor. She lay there still and quietly for several moments. Each second felt like an eternity. She felt almost removed from her body, watching from above. As if she was in a picture show and this was all just for show. But it wasn't. It was real.

Sobs began to escape harshly from her busted lip. The reality of what had happened to her was beginning to sink in.

_John. _

Her first gut feeling was that she needed her husband. She needed him to hold her and make this all go away. She ached for his comfort.

Immediately reality hit her hard. No. She couldn't do that. If he knew, he….. No. She was spoiled, ruined. John would never want to touch her again. He couldn't know.

And Green. John would certainly kill him. There was not a doubt in Anna's mind that he would. If he did, then John would surely swing.

Anna suddenly felt sick. How had she allowed this to happen? She ruined everything. Bile began to rise with her throat. She grabbed a bucket from the floor and emptied into it. Her throat burned as the liquid rose from her stomach. It reminded her of how strongly she had screamed for him to stop and for someone to help. No one did.

Anna's breath caught within her throat, as her eyes scanned around the room. The room was turned upside down. She would have to clean it to keep anyone from knowing what had happened. She couldn't let them know. The way they would look at her. She blinked back tears.

Her mind tried to process how long she had before everyone would be coming downstairs. She didn't have much time.

A guttural scream left her lips as she stood. Her body ached; her legs and arms were so sore from how he had held her down. She tried to ignore the deep ache between her legs.

Wrapping her torn dress around her. Anna quickly and quietly attempted to put everything back where it belonged. The faster she could clean it; the faster she could erase it from it being there.

No matter how much she scrubbed the floor where it had happened, it still seemed dirty. Tears stung behind her eyes. She had to hurry. Her time was running out.

Once she was finished, Anna did not feel relief. She wanted to fall deep within the cracks of the floor and disappear from all that was around her.

She felt dirty. She could never become cleaned. If anyone knew, they would see the handprints of Green all over her.

Her body burned. Every place he had touched her stung.

Suddenly she felt frantic. She couldn't leave the room looking like she did. If she did, everyone would see her. Then they would know. They would see her in her shame. Shame covered her.

Anna debated walking home, before she could be found.

_No. _

She still had Lady Mary to care for that evening and John would question why she had left without telling him. Not to mention how long of a walk that would be with a torn dress.

Anna felt her body tighten. She was unsure what to do. She felt lost.

She pressed her body back against the wall feeling unsafe. Her body began to shake. No longer having the room to focus on, she could feel herself falling apart again.

Soon the servants would be coming downstairs. She had to hide somewhere. Somewhere safe.

Anna peeked through the doorway to ensure no one was coming down. She listened closely for footsteps. When she was sure she heard nothing, Anna stepped into the hallway and glanced wildly around her.

Part of her feared Mr. Green was still there lurking behind the shadows. That he would jump out and grab her again. She shuddered at the thought.

Her eyes landed on Mrs. Hughes' door. She could make it into the room quickly. That would be her plan. Mrs. Hughes would have to be told, but she trusted her.

Anna rushed down the hallway and nearly cried out in relief that her door was not locked.

Suddenly, she felt exposed standing in the middle of Mrs. Hughes' sitting room. She grasped a hold onto her table to keep from falling over from the trembling that had taken over her body.

Her eyes found a corner behind the cabinet. She slowly walked over to the corner and pressed herself back against the wall, before allowing herself to sink to the floor.

_To be continued_

_**This will only be missing scenes from Season 4 and not a cohesive story. I rewatched season 4 the last few days and I thought of some scenes I would have liked to have seen. That inspired this story. Let me know if you would like more. **_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you! Enjoy! _

**New Dress **

Elsie glanced back at Anna feeling absolutely helpless and disheartened. The poor girl was sobbing harshly as she sunk herself back into the corner between her wall and cabinet. Elsie sighed and focused on the task ahead of her. Anna didn't want anyone to know, so it was imperative that Elsie remain as calm as possible.

Stepping outside of her sitting room and into the bustling of downstairs, Elsie prayed she didn't run into Mr. Bates. It would take every ounce of willpower not to pull him into her room for Anna.

Her hands fumbled through a dresser searching for a new dress. She found a simple black dress and folded it over her arm. Stepping back into the hallway, her eyes scanned to see if Bates was nearby. Thankfully, he was nowhere to be seen.

When she reached the kitchen, Elsie filled a bowl of water and grabbed a rag. Then last minute she decided to get the first aid kit as well. Her poor girl had so many cuts and bruises over her face. At that moment, Elsie's blood ran cold and her face flushed in anger. She wanted to go and find that Mr. Green. If she had her chance with him, she would…

Elsie stopped herself. Right now the focus needed to be on Anna. She felt a few hot tears behind her eyes, but blinked them away sharply.

"What's all that for?" Mrs. Patmore's voice interrupted Elsie's thoughts.

"Um," Elsie said with a shake of her head. "Poor Anna fainted and hit her head."

"Oh no, should I run and get Mr. Bates?"

"Oh, no, no." Elsie quickly discouraged. "No need to bother him. She'll be just fine." Elsie's lie made a bitter taste within her mouth. She wanted to tell her the truth right there, but respected Anna's wishes- even if she did **not** agree with them.

Elise walked away from Mrs. Patmore focused on what she needed to do for Anna. She stopped in front of her doorway and breathed deeply.

Stepping into the room, she watched as Anna melted further back into the corner. Her heart sank.

"Anna, love, it's just me." Anna's eyes peeked around the corner, before she slowly pulled herself up and out of the corner.

Elsie sat the bowl of water and first aid kit on her table and laid the dress across her chair.

"Alright, love, lets get you out of that dress first." Anna's arms wrapped protectively around herself. Her eyes searched around the room wildly as if she was expecting someone to jump out from the shadows.

"No one is going to get you, love. It's just me." She repeated.

Slowly and cautiously, Elsie inched toward Anna. She reached her arms out to help Anna remove the dress, but Anna shook her head. Then with shaky fingers, Anna pushed the dress off her shoulders. From the way it had been torn and pulled at, that was all it needed to fall away.

Elsie was unable to contain the sharp gasp that left her lips. The slip below the dress was also torn and there was the largest red stain among the lower middle.

"Anna, maybe we should get the doctor. You won't have to tell anyone else. I'm sure Dr. Clarkson will use discretion," Elsie begged. Anna shook her head harshly.

"No, no one else can know," more tears began to fall down her eyes and Elsie quickly nodded.

"Okay." Elsie quickly stated. She didn't want the girl to break down again.

Elsie grasped the end of the slip and helped to pull it over Anna's sore body. She bit her lip to keep from making any sounds as Anna's body became exposed. Tears pricked behind her eyes at the sight of her. Large bruises were already beginning to form on her upper legs and there were fingerprints all over Anna's pale arms. She glanced up at Anna to see that she was in a far away place within her mind. Perhaps that was for the best, Elsie thought.

She grabbed the cloth and water. She decided to start with Anna's face. Gently, Elsie wiped the blood off Anna's cheek and lips. Anna met Elsie's eyes. They were dark and full of despair. Elsie gave her a small smile.

"I'll have you right as rain," she murmured to the girl. Then she bent down to wipe the blood away from Anna's legs. Anna had begun to cry.

Elsie cleaned up as quickly and as best she could with a rag and water. She pulled herself back up to Anna and gave her a gentle smile.

"Let's get you into the dress." Elsie tried to find some undergarments for Anna within her room, but they were all gone.

"It's fine," Anna said quietly. Elsie gingerly lifted the new dress over Anna's small frame. She went to button it up, but Anna pushed her hands away. Her shaky fingers buttoned the front of the dress.

Once the dress was on, Elsie led Anna to her chair. She began to carefully comb the girl's hair. There was a streak of blood in her hair. Elsie quickly grabbed a fresh bowl of water to rinse it out. When she returned into the room, she found Anna sitting quietly at her desk. Her eyes far away.

"Alright, dear, almost done." Rinsing out Anna's hair and pulling it back, Anna almost looked like herself again. The bruises on her face, however, would be hard to cover up.

"Mrs. Patmore asked what all this was about, so I told her you fainted and hit your head," Elsie informed Anna. Anna nodded while Elsie put some medicine on her busted lip.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes," Anna told her, standing up from the chair.

"Shouldn't you just sit for a little bit and rest?" Elsie suggested. She grabbed for Anna's hands, but Anna pulled them away.

"No," Anna replied, forcing a fake smile. "I'll be fine. Thank you, again."

Elsie watched as Anna's fail frame headed to the door. They both knew Anna was not fine. She noticed the way Anna's shoulders shook from holding in the tears.

Before Anna could open the door, Elsie opened her mouth to speak. However, she quickly shut it. There was nothing she could say that would fix this and it tore her apart.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Walk Home **

"Anna!"

Anna paused at the sound of her husband desperately calling after her. Swallowing deeply, Anna paused momentarily. For a brief second, Anna nearly lost all her resolve and turned to run back to her husband. His arms. She needed to be safe within his arms.

As quickly as that thought came, it left. She took steady steps forward pretending as though she hadn't heard him saying her name.

Tears continued to stream down her pale cheeks. She did nothing to attempt to stop them. She felt like a shell of the woman she was a few hours prior. In just the span of a few minutes, Green had stolen her life away from her. Nothing would ever be the same again. He effectively ruined her.

She could go away. As she walked past the gardens, she thought about how she had time

to get home and pack. She wouldn't need much. There would be no more trains running tonight, but if she caught the one first thing in the morning then she would be gone. Leaving as a thief in the night seemed cowardly, but it would make things easier for John. At first he would be angry, but eventually he would be able to move on. Get a new life.

Her head shook. Selfishly, she couldn't do that. She needed John and Mrs. Hughes, maybe even Mary. She needed them in her life. She may not survive without them. Even though, she wasn't sure she cared to survive.

Bile, once again, built up in her throat. She wretched into some bushes. There was nothing left in her stomach, and so very little liquid came out. Tears stung the back of her eyes from the strength of her vomiting. Her head began to pound heavier, blurring her vision slightly.

One step at a time. She murmured to herself. The pain between her legs and eyes pulsed with every step. Berated breaths left her lips and she tried to remain focused on just making it to her cottage. Once she was there, she would be able to bathe. Her mind stayed focused on that one comfort.

A piercing scream came out of Anna's lips when she heard a sound with the bushes behind her. She jumped and turned to see a stray cat running by. Her hand clutched at her chest. It was then she began to rush quickly to the cottage.

Opening the door, she shut it harshly behind her. She wanted to lock all the locks, but knew John was still coming later. Her eyes frantically scanned the windows to watch for any shadows. It hadn't occurred to her until the cat shook the bushes that Green could have followed her home. Now she was frightened he would show back up and claim her as his again.

Backing up, Anna's back hit a wall. She panicked. Everything seemed to be closing in on her. Her breaths shortened. Anna brought her hands up to her mouth to stifle the sob ripping through her lips.

She stood there sobbing for several moments. It was then she remembered John would be coming home soon. If he came home to her like this, he would know. She had to cover it up and hide it deep down.

A bath. She needed to bathe.

Anna slowly made it to the washroom. She turned the tap to the highest temperature it allowed. Her eyes watched entranced as the water filled the tub.

A whisper left her lips as she pulled the dress up and over her raw skin. She then slowly dipped herself into the scalding bath. While it burned, she welcomed it.

The soap stung the cuts as Anna ran it over her body harshly. She ignored the pain and made sure every area _he _had touched her was covered in a deep layer.

She could have spent hours cleaning every inch of her skin, but she had little time until John would arrive.

Pulling herself out of the tub, she made sure to keep her eyes from the mirror. Anna has no desire to see what she looked like. She knew she was still dirty, soiled. No bathing would change that.

In their room, Anna searched for a long sleeved nightgown. Her arms and wrists were covered in bruises. She had to keep them covered so that John would have no questions.

After she was dressed, Anna pulled down her hair and put it into a simple plait against her back. She needed to do everything in the normal way to keep John from being suspicious.

It was then that she turned to their married bed. Her breath caught in her throat. She couldn't lay there next to him. What...what if? No. She stopped her thoughts. She had to lay there and pretend nothing had happened.

The sound of the outside door opening made Anna jump. She reminded herself that it was only John. But at that realization, she quickly got into their bed. She needed to pretend to be asleep before he was in the room. If he knew she was awake, he would want to talk to her.

Feigning sleep, Anna heard their bedroom door open. She could feel John's eyes on her. Anna knew her husband. He was checking in on her and perhaps even debating if he should disturb her to make sure she was okay.

The door closed and Anna realized John had decided to leave her alone. Anna sighed.

She tried to fall asleep, but sleep eluded her.

Nearly half an hour later, she heard the door reopen and then John quietly getting into his nightclothes. When he climbed into the bed next to her, Anna held her breath.

"Anna," John whispered. "I know you're awake."

Anna ignored his words. The dull ache of her body cried out for his comfort, but she ignored it.

"Please, Anna. I just want to know you're alright."

Anna had to press her fist into her sore mouth to keep a loud sob from escaping. No. She wasn't alright. She wasn't sure she ever would be.

"Anna." John's concern had risen from the sound of the sob. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Anna felt a scream crawling up her throat, as she jerked harshly away from John. She had been able to suppress the scream, but not her action against her husband.

She heard John sign in defeat. She had hurt him. More tears welled in her eyes.

Better a broken heart than a broken neck. She told herself.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you to all who read. I've been struggling with my muse. I'm not sure this snippet is any good. _

_I also used some quotes from the show. Those definitely do not belong to me. _

_Thank you for reading. _

**The Next Morning **

The night had been long. Anna had remained curled up at the side of the bed in an attempt to stay as far away from John as possible. She had listened intently to John's breaths to be able to tell when he had fallen asleep. It had taken him a while, but eventually sleep took over him.

When he had finally begun to snore softly, Anna felt some relief. Her body was able to relax a bit beneath the covers and she could allow tears to leave her eyes.

Sleep would never come to Anna that night. Every time she would try to close her eyes, Green's would haunt her.

And then there were moments where John would innocently brush up against her in his sleep. Once his hand rested upon her shoulder, Anna tensed immediately and felt the urge to gag and scream at the same time. She felt guilty; feeling so stifled by his touch. It made tears well up, again.

When Anna could lay there no longer, she slowly snuck out of the bed. Her eyes were dry and tired. Her body ached. Her head pounded so hard it beat harshly behind her ears. But she needed to go. She didn't know if she could come back into this home anymore. She was _tainted_. _Ruined_. _Spoiled. _John deserved better.

Anna quietly found a dress and undergarments for the day, before heading into the washroom quietly.

She wanted to bathe. The sight of the bath made her body ache for its security. But she knew she couldn't. The sound of the tap coming on would alert John to her being awake and that something was wrong.

Instead, Anna got herself dressed in the dark. Her body ached more than it had before bedtime. The bruises on her body felt tight and achy. Between her legs...Anna bit her lip to keep from crying out in pain. It throbbed so deeply.

Anna tried closing her eyes and breathing steadily for a few moments. She just needed to get dressed and off to work before John awoke. If she could make it out in time, there wouldn't be any allowance for more questions.

When Anna was done, she stepped into the hallway. There she stood in the small space between her bedroom and the bathroom. Anna stepped forward and pressed her hand against the door to their bedroom. Then her forehead rested next to her hand. _John. _She wanted John. She _needed_ him.

How could she have let this happen? She had ruined everything.

A heartbreaking sob left her lip, before she turned and headed to the door.

X-X-X-X

John abruptly awoke to the most heart wrenching sound. He jerked up, unsure if it was in his dreams or real. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the pale light in the room. It was then he realized Anna was no longer in the bed next to him.

He grabbed his cane and quickly went to open the door. It was Anna he had heard. He just knew it. Why was she sobbing? Nothing added up. What could have possibly happened to change his relationship with his wife in just a few hours?

He knew she had hurt herself. Was she embarrassed? Had something else happened? He didn't know, because she wouldn't speak to him.

John questioned if it had to do with Mr. Green. Perhaps Anna was upset with him for getting jealous and yelling at her. He had overreacted. Anna had just been having fun.

John sighed. He continued through the house searching for Anna.

Reaching the front door, John realized the door was unlatched. Anna had left for the day.

Why hadn't she waited for him?

None of this made sense.

-X-X-X-X-

Anna quietly entered Downton making sure not to draw any attention to herself.

Once inside, she felt herself drawn toward the Boot Room. It was a weird feeling. She should hate that room, but she wanted to go into it. She needed to.

She began walking towards it.

"Anna, what are you doing here?" Mrs. Hughes questioned in shock.

"I...I needed to get some things done for Lady Mary," Anna answered. Her eyes lingered on the floor. There was no way she could meet Mrs. Hughes' eyes right now. She couldn't handle the pity she knew she would find.

"Anna, you need to go home. We can handle Lady Mary today. Please go and get some rest."

Anna shook her head. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Go home." Mrs. Hughes reached for Anna's hands, but Anna stepped back.

"I can't," Anna stayed, swallowing hard. "I just...I need to be here."

Anna could hear Mrs. Hughes sigh in resignation.

"Very well then." Mrs. Hughes lingered for a brief moment, before heading toward her sitting room.

Anna turned to go into the Boot Room.

Opening the door, her breath caught in her throat. Suddenly, everything became so vivid. The way he held her down, the way his hands lingered, the way he…..

Anna's resolve faded and she suddenly began to panic. Her eyes shut harshly and her hands covered her ears. It was as if she was trying to block out the screams that still echoed from the night before.

"Daisy!"

The sounds of the bustling kitchen made Anna snapback to reality. Her eyes jerked open to find herself alone.

She grabbed a pair of shoes and brush. With determination she began to clean every inch of the shoe. The more she cleaned the better she felt. It was cathartic.

No matter how much her hands began to ache from the intense cleaning, her mind felt more at ease while she brushed back and forth.

Back and forth.

Her hand flipped the shoe to the other side.

Back and forth.

The familiar thud and mismatched steps could be heard coming down the hallway. Anna tensed.

She attempted to focus on the shoes. But that sound was so familiar. Her husband was here. Soon he would find her and she would have to face him.

"Why didn't you wait for me?" He asked the moment he entered the room. Anna just stood.

"I wanted to finish these before breakfast," her answer was short. Simple. She had practiced it on the walk in all morning.

"Is it something I've done?"

Keep calm, she told herself. Don't give yourself away.

"No, not anything," she said simply. She made sure not to meet his eyes. He would know she was lying. "Nobody's done anything."

Anna quickly passed John as her heart raced in her chest. A lie.

She could feel his eyes follow her out. Anna knew they would be full of concern and confusion. But she didn't have time to worry about that. She needed to play it normal. The more she played it, maybe she would feel it.

Stepping into the Servants Hall she paused. There he was. Mr. Green. Her body froze. She began to feel her body push back. She needed to run, needed to escape.

"Blimey, what happened to you."

Anna swallowed hard. She would have to sit next to _him _and have to pretend nothing had happened.

"Leave her alone," Mrs. Hughes states.

"I fell. I cut my lip," Anna flippantly answered. Her eyes remained down on her plate. Bile began to rise up in her throat. Heat rose up through her body in fear. He was right there. He could do it again.

"I better go up," Anna jumped up out of her seat. She couldn't do this. Anna had to focus to keep her hands from shaking so hard that they would give her away.

"Lady Mary hasn't rung yet." Dear John, always worried.

"I've things to do," and with that, she had escaped.

But not really. Anna was afraid she would be stuck in this fog forever.


	5. Chapter 5

_The first few vignettes kind of fit more together, but this one is a while after the last. Just a reminder that these are just short shots into scenes we didn't get to see. Thank you for reading and your support! Enjoy! _

**Leaving the Cottage**

Anna timed her packing up of things at the cottage to when John would be helping his Lordship to get ready for bed. She needed him not to question her nor to beg her to stay. If either of those happened, Anna wasn't sure she would be strong enough to leave.

Packing was done mechanically. She wasn't there, not really. Her mind was off somewhere else, hidden away from the pain of leaving the place she called home. The place where her life had truly begun. She couldn't think much about it or else she would begin to cry and that would help nothing.

She wished so deeply that none of this had happened. If she had just listened to John, everything would be okay. He hadn't liked Green. He knew something was off, but she hadn't cared to listen. And now….

Tears began to stream down her cheeks. Her attempt at being stoic had failed. It felt as though everything was crushing around her. She didn't know how to keep on moving forward. First she lost her self worth and now she would be losing her life. Her world.

The door downstairs opened. Anna tensed. She wiped the tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Anna? Darling? Are you here?"

She remained silent. No, she thought. She couldn't face him not now. But she would have no choice. His footsteps echoed up the stairway and she knew he would be in the room within a few mere seconds.

When John walked into the room, Anna turned from him. She pretended she was busy folding one of her dresses. She didn't dare she his face when he realized she was going.

"What's all this?" John questioned. "Are you going back to London? You just got back."

Anna shook her head and turned back around. She avoided his eyes and placed her dress into the bag.

"No. I…" she paused. This was hard. She had been hoping to leave him a letter explaining her simple reason for moving back into Downton. She bit her lip before she continued. "Now that Edna is gone, I'll be tending to her Ladyship as well as Lady Mary. I think it will be best if I stay there for a little while."

Her eyes remained down, but she could feel the hurt from his eyes digging into her soul. Her throat closed up with a sob that was threatening to escape.

The room remained quiet for several moments. The two of them just stood there. Anna thought she may have heard a small sob escape John's lips, but she didn't dare look up to see. Catching his eyes would end her.

"Anna, why?" His voice broke with his question. She swallowed hard.

"I told you. It will be too much," she replied curtly. She didn't want to be cruel, but she was struggling to contain it all in. Her throat and eyes wanted her to cry, her body wanted to fall into John's arms, and her mind just wanted to fade away. Perhaps hurting him would make him hate her and that would be easier. If he hated her, he would be safe. He would stop asking questions and then she could fade away into nothingness.

"Please tell me what I've done wrong," he pleaded.

Anna closed up her case and picked it up.

"You've done nothing wrong," she stated.

Anna pushed past John to leave their room. He grabbed her upper arm to stop her. Almost instantaneously, she jerked away and met his eyes.

"Don't touch me," she said in a panic. John noted how her eyes appeared frantic. His hands came up in surrender. He would never do anything to hurt her.

Anna stepped backwards a few steps and her eyes fell back to the floor. She had hurt him, yet again. Better a broken heart than a broken neck, her mantra echoed between her ears.

"I had to have done something to make you leave."

"You didn't," Anna said simply, shaking her head and swallowing hard.

John sighed. He realized he wasn't going to get anything out of her today.

"I'll walk you back to the house," John offered. Quickly, Anna shook her head.

"There's no need," Anna's voice shook slightly. "I should get going."

Anna turned on her heels and began to rush down the stairs. The sooner she was out of the cottage, the sooner she could allow the tears to fall.

"Anna," John's voice stopped her at the door. She paused with her hand on the knob. "I will miss you and I love you."

Anna's voice caught within her throat. She wanted to tell him the same words, because she would miss him and she did love him. But he deserved better than her, better than who she had become. A few tears seeped out of her eyes, before she turned the knob and escaped out of the door.

_More soon. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Alone**

Anna sat on the edge of the bed upstairs. Her body felt tired and sore. It had been nearly two weeks since _it _had happened and her body was slowly healing. However, there were still signs of the attack. Most of the bruises had faded and she didn't have to show as much care on covering up her arms. Her lower body, though… Anna shuddered. The bruises on her legs had turned an ugly yellow as they healed.

She blinked. Tears no longer came. They hadn't come in days. She was too dried up. It was almost as though she was no one anymore. She didn't have her husband or her life. The only thing that kept her moving was her job. She was grateful for its routine to keep her grounded, but she hated her times with Lady Mary. Mary would want to chat and Anna didn't have it in her anymore.

Standing, her body cried for more rest. Sleep eluded her. She got very little sleep every night. Nightmares haunted her. And on the rare occasion when those left her alone, she missed her husband's body next to her in the bed. During the night, her arm would reach out for him to only be disappointed he was no longer next to him.

It was her fault. She didn't know why she acted surprised each time. She had pushed him away. She had ruined their lives.

Her fingers twisted anxiously. Anna wasn't sure what was next. How does one move on? She doubted there was much hope left for her.

The calendar that was hung next to the mirror mocked her. For months Anna had studied the calendar to know her cycle. She and John had wanted a baby so desperately. But now, it was a reminder of the cycle that still hadn't come. It was only a couple of days late, but Anna's had always worked like clockwork.

It made her sick to her stomach thinking of what it would mean if it never came. She thought about what Mrs. Hughes had asked.

"_But suppose your with child. What will you do then?" _It had already been a question that had plagued her mind. So her answer was simple.

"_I'll kill myself." _

Anna swallowed hard.

She shook her head and turned away from the calendar. Pushing those thoughts and fears away, Anna began to cover up the last bit of bruises on her face and the darkness under her eyes that gave away the little sleep she had gotten.

Anna paused in front of the door that led to the hallway. Once she was out of this room, she would no longer be safe with her feelings. She would have to become stoic and face her husband.

Everyday he waited patiently for her at the bottom of the stairs. It broke the last bit of her heart that was left. She wanted his strong arms to wrap around her and tell her everything would be okay.

That wouldn't happen.

She had to keep this secret. A heartbroken John kept him from the truth and kept him alive. She knew he would kill Green. But she also feared what he would think of her once he knew the truth.

She shuddered.

Turning the knob, Anna took a deep breath and stepped out into the hallway. Thankfully, no one was walking through at the moment.

Whenever somewhere was nearby, she felt the need to be alert. She worried all the time that she would be found out. That someone would know and then see her differently.

Taking the stairs slowly, she began her long descent down the stairs. Each step, her body tensed more and more thinking of seeing her husband at the bottom. She both dreaded and looked forward to that moment of her day.

She dreaded the way she made him feel and having to push him away. However, there was a comfort in knowing that he wouldn't just give up on her and throw their life away easily.

There he stood. Her eyes fell downcast. She slowed as she reached the bottom stair knowing she would have to say something.

"Good morning," John said to her with a bright smile.

"Good morning," she murmured, pushing herself between the narrow space of him and the staircase.

"Anna, Mrs. Baxter works for her Ladyship now. Please come back to the cottage." The pleading within his voice tightened around her heart like a vise.

Anna paused in her tracks for a quick moment as she tried to come up with what to say to him to explain why she couldn't move home. No words came. So she just continued to walk forward.

Behind her, she heard John sign in discontent. Anna closed her eyes to block out the hurt, before continuing on her way to breakfast.

-X-X-X-X-

After breakfast, Anna began to fill a bit ill. Her head began to ache and her stomach hurt. She ran to the washroom to run some water over her face.

Sitting down on the toilet, she saw red drops begin to fall into the basin. Her entire body nearly jerked with a sob. It was a sob of relief. Tears, she didn't know she still had, fell from her eyes. They continued to pour from her tired eyes and her lips had the slightest smile.

The relief filled her entire frame. The fear of a baby was finally gone. She allowed the grateful sobs freely escape her lips.

When the shake of the sobs were done, Anna cleaned her face up to be ready for Lady Mary's ring.

Stepping out of the washroom, she ran into Mrs. Hughes. Immediately, Mrs. Hughes saw the puffy eyes that gave away Anna had been crying.

"Anna, what has happened?" She questioned discreetly, as she looked around to make sure no one was nearby.

Anna shook her head as the aftershocks of the sobs still made her shoulders shake slightly.

"I'm fine," she said, meeting Mrs. Hughes' eyes. "My cycle returned."

Mrs. Hughes appeared about as relieved as she felt. She gave Anna a small smile.

"Oh, thank God," she muttered. "Perhaps you could move back into the cottage now?"

Anna's eyes darkened and she stepped back.

"No," she said with a shake of her head.

"But Anna, Mr. Bates…."

"I can't do it, Mrs. Hughes. I…" her voice broke in her throat.

Mrs. Hughes reached out to place her hands on Anna's shoulders, but stopped herself remembering how Anna now hated to be touched. She took a small step back and gave Anna a kind nod.

"I do wish you would tell him. He loves you, Anna."

Anna's lips twisted.

"I..I should probably go. Lady Mary will be ringing soon."

And with that, she turned on her heels and walked back toward the stairs.

_More soon! _


	7. Chapter 7

**Home **

As the tears flowed freely from her eyes, Anna felt relieved. He knew. Her husband knew the truth. In his arms, she felt renewed. She wasn't fixed; there was still a long time for that. But within his strong arms, she felt this comfort she hadn't felt in a long time.

The sobs continued out of her lips for a while. John never asked her to stop or told her to calm down. Instead, he held her close and allowed her tears to flow.

When the sobs subsided, she still held on to John as if she let go he would disappear. Her body had ached for his protective touch for too long. She couldn't let it go now. His hands came up to her head and he gently kissed the top of her head.

"Let's go home," he whispered into her head. It was past midnight, probably close to one am by now.

Anna slowly removed herself from John's arms and met his eyes. She nodded. Her lips trembled.

"I need my things," she said, her voice broken from all the crying.

"You have plenty of things at our cottage. Tomorrow you can get the rest," he reminded her. _Our cottage. _Those two words warmed Anna's body. The long nights alone in the bedroom

upstairs had made her yearn for their small cottage. The place they had made their home.

Anna's head bobbed in agreement. She suddenly felt unsure of herself and stumbled slightly as she stepped forward. John helped to steady her and watched her carefully.

"I'm just tired," she explained to him. It was partially the truth. She hadn't slept well since _it _happened. To be honest, however, she was fearful of being alone in the cottage with John. She didn't fear him. It was the concern of how she would be when he touched her or when the nightmares came. Anna was not sure he knew exactly what he was signing up for. She wasn't the woman he had married.

John said that the suffering she had endured made her higher to him. But her suffering had changed her.

"Anna?" His words were gentle. He could read her so well. Carefully, he took her hand into his and caressed the back of it with his thumb. "Please don't worry. I love you. There will be absolutely no pressure from me."

Anna tightened her hand within John's and gave him a small smile, telling him she was ready to go home.

Tomorrow she would tell Mrs. Hughes that she was moving back into the cabin. It was too late for her to pack up her things, but she needed to go home now.

When they reached the cottage, Anna's eyes grew heavy. The lack of sleep from the past weeks and walk home had worn her out. She climbed over the threshold and a breath she hadn't known she was holding escaped her lips.

_Home. _

Tears prickled behind her blue eyes. She was home.

John's hand landed on her shoulder and she jumped.

"I'm sorry, Anna. I didn't mean…" Anna shook her head.

"It's not your fault. I… I'm sorry. I…"

"Don't apologize," he said firmly, but lovingly. The two walked into the house. He turned, closed the door, and locked it. Then John lit a light, as Anna sat at the table.

"Anna, you should go to bed," he said, her eyes were growing heavy.

Bedtime. Anna was scared of bedtime. She loved John so very much, but the idea of laying in bed with a man, even her husband, frightened her. It seemed ridiculous; John would never hurt her. She couldn't explain the fear she felt.

"I'll sleep in the guest room," John added.

"No, you shouldn't have to sleep in the guest room. I..I'll be alright," Anna lied.

"Anna, no more lies between us," John requested. Anna swallowed hard. The lie of Green still sat between the two of them. Her eyes fell to her hands, unable to meet John's gaze.

"You're not alright. It will likely be a while before you are alright and that is okay. Part of the reason you left the cottage was because of my touch, correct?"

Anna slowly nodded, feeling guilty.

"I'm sorry," she cried. John's hand reached across the table taking her hand.

"Darling, you have nothing to apologize for," he told her.

"I've disappointed you."

"Anna, you could never do that," he said. "You are incapable of fault," he repeated the words he had said to Lord Grantham.

"But I…" she paused. She almost said she had still talked to Green after John disliked him so. Her lips sealed tight. She had to protect John from himself.

"Go to bed, Anna. I will sleep in the guest room until you are ready." His kindness made her tears flow again.

The two of them walked upstairs together. John was one step behind Anna. Reaching their bedroom, John stopped outside of the door to allow Anna to go in by herself. Anna's head turned toward him.

"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" John nodded. He remained outside of the room while Anna got ready for bed, but then came back in when she told him she was ready.

As she laid down in the bed, John's heart nearly burst seeing her back where she belonged. He sat at the edge of the bed.

"Can you read to me?" John smiled. He grabbed the book they had been reading together off the bedside table. With little light in the room, he lit the lamp and turned it low.

John read through the next chapter in the story. When he looked up a few pages in, he found his wife sleeping peacefully. Her breaths were even.

Slowly, he shut the book and placed it back on the bedside table. He wanted to bend down and kiss her forehead, but decided against it. Turning off the light, he stood.

His brow creased, concern for his wife's healing consuming him. He prayed he would be able to help her through this and that the two of them would come out even stronger.

_More soon? _

**Not sure if I want to end my series of one shots here or to continue. Depends on my muse, I think. Today it was running like crazy. Three updates in one day-I would almost want to try to update my other before the day was over. However, my children wake early and I do need sleep. Haha. Thank you to everyone! **


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